February 23, 2011
Jerk |jərk| noun: a contemptibly obnoxious person
Want to be the ultimate jerk on twitter? Then do exactly what the critics state all tweeters do: be a self-involved douchebag.
Let everyone know that your best friend or significant other thinks you’re the bee’s knees. ReTweet that shit because 90% of your followers don’t know you in a real life and this is the ONLY way to demonstrate to them that not only do you have a social life, but that your IRL friends like you so much they’ll give you a virtual high five. And hey, if you don’t have any IRL friends, no worries – ReTweet the compliments all your internet friends give you. It’s called spreading the (self) love. Consider it like social-media-masturbation, cos it’ll make you feel good to stroke your…ego.
You know when you meet someone at a club, and they’re telling you about all the cool celebrities and producers they know, or how their best friend is the head bouncer at the other / better club next door? And you’re like ‘yo guy, this dude KNOWS stuff. We should hang with him and buy him drinks all night!” Yeah well, Twitter didn’t make @ mentions for nothing. If you’re hanging out with cool peeps, you should just list em all so everyone knows you’re hanging with them – it’s how you get instant cred and prove your popularity. Even if they aren’t cool, mention them, because hey, tweeting while hanging out with a bunch of geeks is better than tweeting about your cray-cray cat.
Ever hear the expression, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Well, on twitter, if you don’t have anything interesting to say, it doesn’t mean you can’t get your followers attention by constantly hitting that retweet button. Hey, you don’t even have to add something to the conversation, just RT RT RT. Suddenly, you know everything there is to know about everything, and your constant sharing means you’re all about spreading the knowledge, yo. Your followers won’t know what hit em!
Just like in real life, the best way to get noticed is to go where all the cool people are. So if you wanna show that you’re in the know, just hop on the latest twitter hashtag bandwagon. Don’t know anything about the political situation in Libya or Egypt? Just shoot out a ‘man, all this #Libya news go me down”, or even better – just use up all of yout 140 characters on hashtags for whatever is trending. “#Libya #Freedom #JustinBieber3D” – now watch your followers RIIIIIIIISE.
Sure, everyone might think that you’re bit.ly link is just an attempt to Rick Roll your followers (and it very well may be – GO YOU!), but you’re saving major brain power and valuable type time by posting that link plain as day. Besides, with all the tweeting you’re doing, who has TIME to summarize every cool link they see and share? This ain’t no book report.
MySpace was the king of the internet back in tha day – so there’s no better social media reference than good ol’ MS. MySpace was THE place to push your name / band / brand / fashion line / cologne / comic book /etc. All you have to do was auto-DM all your followers when they join, follow everyone who mentions a specific key word, and constantly tweet and promote your own product – it’s social media marketing without all the effort of actual engagement.
Natalie Ott said it best: “Please feel free to drape a rich tapestry of emotional baggage on your status”. Of course, when you’re having a down day, you may not want some of your followers to know what the REAL problem is – so best to be uber cryptic about it. Besides, emo + cryptic = instant sympathy, and everyone knows you can’t be an official douchebag if you don’t go on a sympathy fishing trip every so often.
THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO SHOW PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE EXCITED! USE LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS TOO JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU GET THE POINT ACROSS!!!!
© 2020 Dana Herlihey |